I’m sitting in the observation room at the vaccination site just down the road from my house, waiting to make sure I don’t have any severe reactions. My arm starts to hurt a little when I feel an wave of emotion hit my heart and tears start to form in my eyes. I didn’t expect to feel emotional over this. I mean, it’s just a shot. I hate shots—so much so that I’m one of those people that doesn’t always get her flu shot—but this one feels different.
David and I were in the kitchen making tacos earlier this week when I asked, “Which one should I take?” Somehow I had found myself with three vaccine appointments to choose from—two appointments next week that require me to drive, and one appointment three weeks out at the site I can walk to—and I had a serious case of decision fatigue. Months ago I had informed him, “I will not get this damn shot until I can walk down the street”; yet as my newsfeed became filled with vaccine-selfies, I began feeling this overwhelming sense of being left out.
The truth is, I didn’t expect to be eligible until much later this month, but last week Massachusetts added being overweight to the list of underlying conditions. I never thought I’d be glad about those last ten pounds I can’t seem to lose. Now that I find myself on the list of eligible receivers, I want this shot now, dammit! I’m tired of being patient! But at David’s urging, I made the appointment at the site down the street. Feeling thankful that I had an appointment on the calendar, I decided I would stalk the website much like I did for beach tickets last summer, hoping for a last minute cancellation so I could get in earlier than three weeks from now. And then late last night, I logged in on a whim and found today’s appointment waiting there just for me.
And that’s how I got here: the observation room where I am squeezing back the unexpected emotion I feel. David and I have joked that this shot will give you superpowers. He’s hoping for wings so he can fly. I’m hoping for arms like Inspector Gadget—all moms need “go-go Gadget arms.” And maybe a brighter smile. I’m pretty sure that’s a positive side effect of this vaccine, so hey, sign me up.
This past year has felt so heavy. No one can seem to agree on the best course of action. Do we play a game of chicken with this virus in an attempt to build up our immunity? Or do we wear masks, hoping they work at least a little, and when it’s available, get a shot of magic science and let our body do it’s thing artificially?
I am one of those crunchy, chiropractor going, essential oil loving, (mostly) natural eating people who did tons of research on vaccines when my babies were born. We delayed their vaccines, because I didn’t think my tiny babies needed all that much protection, but I have never been anti-vax. I think our bodies were designed to fight off bad stuff, but I also believe vaccines play an important role in keeping people safe—especially those who are most at risk. I also think the risks of most diseases far outweigh the risks of the vaccines, and who really wants to get sick anyway?!
But.
I also don’t love the way vaccines are made. Or the junk that goes into them. Or the fact that the CDC recommends tiny little babies be shot up with a lot of unnatural substances before they have any time to develop outside the womb. So, you could say I’m a middle-roader. My kids (and I) are fully vaccinated, but I also believe in healthy questioning of authority and true dialogue with your health providers. In short, I believe if you live a life of medical privilege, and your body can handle a vaccine, you should get it. Because many other people may not be as lucky as you. And your shot may help save their life.
I practically jumped into that building today. So much of the last year has felt helpless. There has been nothing I could do that would really make a difference in making this terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad disease go away. And today, instead of saying no to one more thing I really want to do, I got to say yes to something.
Sure, I got a shot for my own sake, because I am a homeschooling mama and writer who does not have time to get sick. Because I miss my friends. Because I want to visit my family without worry. Because I want to take that trip to Niagara Falls we had planned for last year. But mostly I got it because it’s a tangible way I can show my love for my neighbor.
After my observation time was done, I walked to Whole Foods across the street and bought new lipstick. Because one day soon, we won’t need masks anymore, and I’ll wear lipstick to mark the occasion.
