the start of something new [The Darling Files 004]

This month’s Darling Files started as a journal response to a prompt from the very first writing course I took with Callie Feyen in January 2021. She told us to write about something in our bedroom, and I wrote about the pictures hanging on my wall. In a later poetry course, I used that journal entry for a Found Poetry exercise. It has been hidden in a Google file ever since. It seemed appropriate to send it out into the world this month, in honor of Valentine’s Day and also our 13th Anniversary next week. The picture may be 15 years old, but the memories live as though they happened yesterday.

Do you see that picture hanging on the wall—
the one from our first vacation together?

Our arms hang down, hands interlocked
walking along the brick-laid path

Fingers entwined together, 
evidencing a plait of strength

Trusting that our lives would soon be braided 
into something beautiful and new

I came with frayed edges—you did too
threads broken by our assorted pasts

Traces of hurt; marks of fear

Warning: Needs Repairs

We picked each other up, 
dusted off the broken ends,

Made space for God to create 
a new thing from the strands 

A new creation,
better than either of us solo 

Like a woven tapestry, 
stronger together than alone.

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This is the fourth post in The Darling Files, a project initiated by my friends Rachel Nevergall and Callie Feyen. You can read more about The Darling Files from Rachel here and from Callie here.

You can read more of My Darling Files here.

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10 Things Saving My Life Right Now

Yesterday marked the midpoint between Winter and Spring. Spring will be here in 45 days, no matter what the Groundhog says. We can feel the days starting to get longer—we know the sun is setting a bit later each day—and yet we can feel our bones longing for the endless days of summer, when we stay up long past our bedtimes making s’mores and catching fireflies.

It’s this time of year that the winter doldrums start to hit. The thick snow that falls one weekend melts away several days later, taking our winter playground away. The sky is grey and cloudy, making us want to cry tears with every raindrop that falls. We start itching for warmer weather and sometimes forget the beauty that exists right before our eyes.

Every time about this year, Modern Mrs Darcy, taking a hint from Barbara Brown Taylor, invites readers to share “What’s Saving Your Life Right Now?” I love the practice of listing ten things giving me life in these dreary late-winter moments, so here we go … ten things saving my life right now.

Homemade Sourdough Bread

Not long after we moved into our house, a neighbor won my heart when she brought me the most delicious loaf of homemade sourdough filled with sweet black walnuts. She walked it up to my door with a jar of fig jam and a hunk of really good blue cheese and we’ve been friends ever since. 

The following winter, I decided I should try again to make sourdough bread. I tried to make sourdough bread several times when we lived in Atlanta, but every time was a flop. My friend gave me books to read, patiently answered all of my questions, encouraged me when my dough failed to rise, and even joined me in eating the flat, dense sourdough I had made. It took me six months, but I finally made a good loaf of sourdough bread (and danced around the kitchen like a loon the first time it happened). Now, five years later, bread-making day is one of my favorite days each week.

Sharing Meals

Last week, we had dinner at our friends’ house. That same friend that brought me homemade sourdough bread loves me so much she makes us shrimp & grits. On Sunday, the yard was filled with neighbor kids, shoveling sidewalks and digging tunnels in seven-feet mounds of snow. Later that day, a different neighbor invited us over for chicken pot pie. This weekend, we’ll have dinner at three different houses, to celebrate the end of the week, a birthday, and the kids’ reading all of Harry Potter. There’s something holy about joining together over a meal. It’s been nearly two years without sharing regular meals with one another, and I’m beyond thankful that it’s possible once again.

Church

I am so grateful to be part of a healthy, thriving church community. At the end of last year, we received a new pastor, and her gentle, yet powerful spirit is filling my heart and mind full of energy and excitement about the future of the church. We found our church just a year before the pandemic and we missed it more than anything else during the pandemic shut down. While worship still doesn’t look like it did in 2019, [maybe it never will?] being able to worship together is giving me so much life right now.

Encouragement

Over time, as David and I began to create community here in Massachusetts, people have begun to see our gifts and are encouraging us to use them. Gifts of hospitality, leadership, music, and writing; gifts that have been sitting unused for far too long. The hardest part of moving some place new is that no one knows you, and it can be hard at times to offer up our gifts to people we don’t know. We’ve both been invited to participate in leadership positions at church, and having someone really see our gifts and invite their usage is a true gift to us.

Lots of Layers

There was a time when getting outside in the winter was something I would never dream of doing. Then I learned that nature is God’s gift for helping us feel grounded, no matter what the weather. “There’s no such thing as bad weather,” as the Scandinavians say. It may be the midpoint between Winter and Spring, but freezing temperatures will be here for much longer than 45 days. Last year I invested in silk long underwear, and they are my favorite splurge purchase ever. This year I bought hand and feet warmers. With long underwear, good snow pants, and pocket warmers, there’s no excuse to stay indoors. The more we can be outside, the happier everyone is. 

Beaches

We live in close proximity to more beaches than I can count on both hands. Just yesterday we piled on all of our layers and headed to Plum Island, where we saw sand and snow mixed together in such a way that it looked like nature’s pudding parfait. The ocean is more healing than anything I’ve ever experienced, and sitting on the shore never, ever gets old. 

Homeschool

It is an honor and a privilege to be able to stay home and educate my kids. Every single day I learn something new from them. They teach me as much as I teach them, if not more. I know homeschooling is not the right choice for everyone, but leading them and learning alongside them is one of the very best parts of the cold and dreary days of winter.

Health

In a time where health is uncertain, I’m grateful that we have remained healthy through the many pandemic. We’ve fought a cold or two, but we’ve had no major illness. I am not the best mother—or wife—to sick people, so the more healthy days we can have, the better I feel.

Older Kids

The fact that my kids are seven and nine and not two and four is absolutely saving my life right now. I loved my babies, but there’s never a day goes by that I wish my kids were little again. We’ve reached a beautiful moment in parenting and I’d like to keep them this age for a little longer, I think.

My Husband

Our anniversary is in February, and David is always one of my favorite things about the month. He adores me. He thinks I’m gorgeous and can’t stay away from my body. He loves the way my mind never stops challenging him. He challenges me—gently— and he makes me a better me. 

Now it’s your turn. Tell me in the comments below: what’s saving your life right now?


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a pandemic love story

She rolls over and feels a cold space. Her heart skips a beat. Her bed hasn’t been empty for months now. Where is he? What’s happened? 

She hears his voice downstairs and relief fills her heart. His being home every day was the hardest transition of this pandemic life. They didn’t lose much, except his commute. He saw it as gaining time at home. She saw it as a loss of control. She used to be in charge during the day. With him at home, they now have to share.

Over time they’ve learned to talk about their feelings. Sadness over what they’ve lost—her book club and time alone, his commute and city bike rides, their Sunday mornings at church. Gratefulness too—more family time, more rest time, challenges that enable them to grow. They listen to each other more carefully. With more humility.

They’ve learned to respect each other’s dreams. He empowered her to write. She empowered him to play. They’ve learned to be together all the time, and how to take breaks, and that breaks are important.

She’s not sure how many more months they’ll have of this time together. Eventually, the world will go back to how it once was. He’ll wake up early to catch the train, making her coffee and leaving it in a travel mug on the counter before gently kissing her goodbye. He’ll lock up his bike and hop on the train and she’ll stay snug in bed.

One day the world will return to normal and they’ll miss this all-together time. They’ll look back on these days with memories of happiness and bliss. They’ll remember the challenges and celebrate how their love grew.

This post is part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to view the next post in this series "280 Words".

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Then and Now #loveafterbabies

Then, we dressed up in our best outfits and went to the fanciest of restaurants for dinner, eating dishes we’d never heard of, sharing dreams and making plans.

Now, we send our kids outside to play so we can make a fancy lunch for two, sitting around our beat-up table in our comfiest clothes, sharing dreams and making plans.

Then, we stayed in bed until noon, ignoring our hunger for food and feeding our desire for one another.

Now, we stay up until midnight, when the kids are finally asleep and the house is quiet, ignoring our hunger for food and feeding our desire for one another.

Then, we had big dreams of one day changing the world. You believed in my dreams and encouraged me to live them, sometimes more than I believed in them myself.

Now, we know our small actions add up and change the world just a little bit every day. You believe in my dreams and encourage me to live them, often much more than I believe in them myself.

Then, we traveled on exotic vacations with nothing but a simple carry-on. Books, a camera, an outfit or two, and bathing suits would do. Just me and you, making memories that will last a lifetime.

Now, we travel on family vacations with a van full of gear. Books, a camera, too many outfits to count, and food to last for days. Me and you, plus two, making memories that will last a lifetime.

Then, we accidentally fell in love, despite what people warned. We ignored insults and together faced challenges, knowing our love was true and our relationship was worth fighting for.

Now, we purposely fall more in love each day, living a life grounded in family and in faith, ignoring insults, facing challenges, knowing our love runs deep and our relationship is always worth fighting for.

On Being a Team

This post was originally written in 2013, but got lost in the transition to a new web host. As I discovered it today I felt a need to revive it. Although some of our circumstances have changed - I no longer have to rock and nurse babies to sleep and he no longer has to stuff diapers - but he still stays up way past the time I’ve gone to bed doing the chores that still need to be done. He still loves me more every day. And I continue to be grateful for the gift of him in my life.

I don’t know how I snagged you. After all the brokenness in my life…I don’t know how in the world I found you. My teammate. My soul mate. My partner.

You are the yin to my yang.

The peanut butter to my jelly.

The jam to my toast.

The chocolate to my milk.

You get the picture.

We are good on our own, each one of us. But together … well, together we are unstoppable.

Many nights, when I rock and nurse the little one to sleep, you are hard at work. Cleaning up dinner, stuffing diapers, vacuuming, sometimes you are even scrubbing the shower. So many men would do their own thing – maybe sit down to watch a ballgame, or perhaps spend their time playing video games. But not you – you clean. Without being asked. Willingly. Lovingly. With every sweep of the broom, you are giving me a gift.

It doesn’t go unnoticed. I’m so thankful for every little thing you do.

But tonight, as I rock the little one to sleep, you take a break from all that work and meet with your men’s small group. I can’t help but think about what a good role model you are for men everywhere. You are the kind of husband every woman wants. The kind of daddy every child needs. A man of insurmountable faith, not ashamed to be the kind of man God has created you to be.

You love me. So tenderly. So completely. More than I ever could have hoped for.

We are so different than we were just a few years ago. So much more confident in who we are. Together. And apart.

I can remember calling you late in the night because I was terrified of being alone. I remember your promise – that you loved me – and that even though you weren’t beside me, I wasn’t alone. I remember shedding so many tears – mostly out of fear. Afraid that I would screw up again. Afraid I would push you away. Afraid I wasn’t good enough. That I was destined to be alone forever.

And I remember your firm response – I love you dammit. I’m not going anywhere.

I remember you telling me I was a princess through God’s royalty. I remember thinking you were crazy when you said that. So much of me wanted to hate that imagery – but I had never been called a princess before. Princesses are beautiful – and loved. I had never believed I was either. Until then. And as much as I hated the imagery of God as King – it was the exact image I needed at the moment. It helped me begin to understand just how loved I am.

I look back on those early days and I can hardly believe you fell in love with me. I was so weak. So broken. Such a mess. But you didn’t see any of that. You saw my beauty. My strength. My passion.

You helped me find my confidence. You continue to push me to find my voice – and to be the voice for others. You are … my other half. My better half.

I’m so thankful to be on the same team with you. So blessed to share life with you.